But I am going to walk through the darkness with or without him. I have no idea what tomorrow may bring and what marriage counseling may hold. I need to better understand the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart.ĭoes that mean we are destined to get a divorce? I don’t know. I plan to talk to my husband, and I am getting my ass back into therapy because before I can help “us” (or figure out if there still is an “us”), I need to help myself. My husband deserves it, and our children deserve it. But I do know that if want to grow and be happy, I need to be honest. I like my husband well enough - and, in many ways, still love him - so is there really a problem? Is this feeling a reason to leave or a season? Will it pass? I don’t know. I am broken by the thought of hurting my children if and when I decide to move forward with the big “D.” They deserve loving parents and loyal parents. I am angry with myself, for misleading my husband and (potentially) ruining my marriage. Make no mistake: Saying this out loud is upsetting and embarrassing. Fantasies about women get me aroused but not men. I hate having sex with my husband because I do not get turned on like I am “supposed” to. In my teens, I began identifying as a bisexual, but my love for (and of) women has only increased with age. I also wonder if our problems have anything to do with my sexuality, which if I’m being completely honest, I have been questioning. I have a hard time being present or feeling anything at all. Did we marry too soon - and too young? Is the emptiness in my heart really due to the absence of love or the absence of feeling in my life? I struggle with mental illness (and have for many years) and one of the symptoms of my illness is numbness. The wife may make many romantic gestures, which go unnoticed by her husband. What went wrong? I mean, I know the dynamics of relationships are ever evolving and teen love looks very different than 30s love or even 40s love, but I worry our changes are different. A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. My heart changed, and while I can honestly say I still love my husband, I’m not sure I’m still “in love” with him.īeing together is less infatuation and more obligation. And yet sometime between then and now, my feelings changed. I spent half the week in his dorm, and he spent half the week in my off-campus apartment. We passed notes in school, spoke on the phone every night - though only after 9:00pm, when minutes were free when we could stay on the line just to listen to each other breathe - and in college, we “lived” together. Hugs and kisses only occur during sex.īut knowing when things changed and knowing the cause of said change is different, and I do not know the “why.” When my husband and I began dating at the ripe old age of 17, we couldn’t get enough of each other. He is a yeller while I prefer to take a more tempered approach. For the last few months, my husband and I have been struggling. There is a chill in our room no space heater can blast away. Not literally - with three standard pillows, two throw pillows, one body pillow, myself, my husband, and two young children, my queen reached capacity long ago - but figuratively. There’s been a space in my bed for some time.
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